Friday, February 19, 2016

Life Changes and a More Serious Post - Apologies Upfront

Honestly, I can't believe it's been 2 months since I've blogged.  I had grand plans of doing so much better this year keeping up with it.  It has gotten harder, life has gotten busier.  I feel like I'm juggling too much but all essentials that I can't cut out.

My divorce was final in December right before Christmas.  I'm still battling with a lot of emotions from that.  It is a serious pain in your heart.  Something that I'm really not sure I'll ever truly recover from.  I'm sure time will allow me to move on, but it's the moving on that scares me.  Because that means there's no going back, no fixing things anymore.  I'm still waiting for him to wake up and try, put forth the effort I feel like should have been there from the beginning.  Realizing that he won't, that he's either incapable or unwilling is what cuts the deepest.  But I've got to move on....find a way to come to terms with this and find healing.  A damaged heart is truly the worst.  I thought we'd be together forever, but what I saw as a 19 year-old girl getting married is vastly different from an almost-37 year-old with the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I carry a weight of guilt as well.  Did I really try hard enough? Should we have tried multiple counselors until we found the one who could help?  Did I give him enough time to really fix things before I said "enough"? But was he even planning to change?  I can't be the one who gives the to-do list of things to change, at some point the husband should take the reigns, the bull by the horns, and just try--something, anything!

I have to let it go.  I can't move on until I do.  I can't heal until I reconcile what I wanted to what is now.  I'm broken, damaged, and torn down.  As a woman, that's a difficult place to be.  As a single mother trying to take care of 2 growing daughters, that's a place I hide from them.  They think all is well with me, that life is just moving back to a sense of normal for me when all I see is turmoil on the inside.

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading.  I sometimes just need to unburden my heart in writing, it helps.  Meanwhile, I've been learning how to crochet.  Occupying my mind with a new task, new skills, keeping myself busy.

This is the newest of my projects.  The pattern is called Hexie Love Actually by Pink Stitches (@greenletterday on IG).  There are 66 hexies attached so far and I think it will need to be about 3x larger for my size preference.  I love it though.  It's soothing and easy (now, haha!).  So far, I'm using all Madeline Tosh Vintage yarn and it's just gorgeous.  The colors are amazing and it feels like heaven.

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