Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Shaken Faith

Warning--very personal post...nothing crafty-related :)

I haven't been able to blog in a long while.  I've had so much on my mind, but when you can't get it out, it's impossible to share things.

I moved to NC in summer of 1998.  Right before I got married.  I worked in the daycare at the school my girls attend now.  I met a wonderful family with 3 amazing kids going into K-5, 2nd grade, and 4rd grade.  The longer I worked at the daycare and then school once I got my degree, the closer I got to these amazing people.  Mr. and Mrs. were closer personal friends.  I taught 2 of the 3 kids throughout my 10 years of teaching.  The 2 oldest kids were very close to me, especially the oldest.  He was such a great kid.  Always respectful, loved his family and church, wanted to be involved in everything.  By 8th grade, he was ready to just graduate school and go to college to be a missionary.  He knew where he was heading.  I laughed when he became a missionary to a Spanish-speaking country because he hated Spanish in school.  He got married and went to Peru.  Amazing things were happening there!  He was living his dream and loving every second.

Then he died.  Only 3 years after getting there.  To say I was shocked, still am shocked, is a huge understatement.  When I heard what happened, I couldn't breathe.  He was injured and then died days later.  Those days I prayed harder than I had in quite a while.  I asked God to take me instead. Let him live, he is doing so much in Peru.  He has a young wife who loves him dearly.  I pleaded, cried a thousand tears, begged for mercy.  .

It's so hard to understand God's plans.  I know in my head that bad things happen to everyone, both good and bad people.  We can't always know why things happen the way they do.  If I'm honest, my faith has been shaken in the right direction.

Several years ago and until recently, I was going through some difficult times in my life.  My first instinct was to bury myself away from everyone and from God.  My faith was hollow...something I believed in my head, but not really in my heart.  I went through the motions, all the while growing farther apart from God and from my church.  Depression set in and grabbed hold of me deeply.  My relationships failed. Friends turned away.  My marriage suffered and then died.  Hope was almost gone for me.  My husband and I separated and I started to heal mentally, emotionally.  Not spiritually.  I would pray but my words felt empty, as if falling on deaf ears.  I wanted restoration, forgiveness.  I wanted my life back. Things are slowly becoming normal again, although not the same normal.  I'm still searching for a church but it's hard to find the right place.  I'm still trying to find my way back.

And then Daniel died.  I felt like I have been catapulted back into the arms of God.  My heart is still broken but mending.   I have so much hope for the future, a future not like the one I had planned.  A future where I am figuring out how to make it on my own again.  Taking care of my beautiful daughters is all I want to do.  One day at a time right now.

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